I’ve been down the quit-road in the past, of course every time was unsuccessful although a learning experience.  This time is different… for many reasons.  Prior to the quit, I looked at it as the time I’m going to try quitting using laser therapy.  I’ve talked about laser therapy to stop smoking for years - how great it is - how expensive it was - how I was going to try it when I lived in Los Angeles - blah blah blah.  The truth is I came out of my first session of laser therapy wanting a cigarette as if I had just come out of any building doing anything else.

The ONLY difference was that I didn’t have one.  Then I got in my car and didn’t have one.  Okay, maybe I was a little more relaxed than normal, but nothing that 20 minutes and a meditation CD wouldn’t give me.  I made it through the first evening just gritting my teeth and pretending I was fine.  I had already thrown away all the cigarettes, ashtrays, and lighters - so smoking wasn’t an immediate option - plus Mandi wouldn’t have let me leave by myself anyway.

So day 2 came and I definitely felt the withdrawal physically.  I was anxious, had a sharp headache in a couple different spots on my head, felt just strange all-together.  But I didn’t smoke.  That night, I actually cried.  I layed on the couch, swore a lot, and cried.  But I didn’t smoke.

Yesterday was better, although the cravings were still intense.  The work-day past finally and I wasn’t as upset last night.  I found some things to occupy my time and then it was time for bed.

Today… today is strange.  I find myself thinking about how OK it is to smoke, and how I wouldn’t mind being a smoker.  Now, I don’t know how to explain this to someone who hasn’t experienced it, but… I’m not saying that I’m rationalizing smoking - I’m actually saying that I truly believe it.  My mind has actually convinced itself that it would be okay - that I could live with it.  If I wasn’t constantly monitoring my withdrawal, I would think I was sane - and then go get a pack of cigarettes.  However, I’m actually perfectly aware that I’m 100% crazy.  Which is weird.  It’s like I’m outside of myself analyzing my thoughts.  The person going through withdrawal feels like a stranger even though I feel his pain.

At 12:15pm today, I sat in front of the gas station contemplating buying a pack.  I went in and got a drink and a snack, stared at the Camel 3-pack behind the counter, and then walked out.  I then sat there some more and thought about it.  Then I came back to work.  I didn’t smoke.  In 2 hours, I’ll be at 72 hours: the nicotine will be out of my system and I’ll have gotten to the high-point of cravings (every day after today will be easier each day).  If I can just make it though the night, I’ll be fine.

A couple things I’ve learned if you want to get to 72 hours:  1;  nicotine replacement is not quitting. 2; don’t carry any money, credit cards, or preferably car keys; 3; monitor your progress in hours, NOT days, weeks or months.  I don’t plan on going to days until probably after 2 weeks. 4; drink lots of water.

At first I thought I could train myself to think I don’t have the option to smoke.  This isn’t true.  I always have the option of smoking; and one of two things can happen from that.  I can go back to full-time smoking and wait to die, or I can live a life of withdrawal be constantly tricking myself back into the addiction.

I think I’ll choose not to smoke.